Why You Should Hire A Pirate

Pirates are the kind o' fellers what can handle pretty much anything. So long as ye let them bellow sea shanties while they're whoppin' at whatever 'tis.

Pirates say what they're thinkin'. None o' that willy-whiskered cheerleading here. You swab!!!

Gold is good. Ye kin get a pirate to do most anythin' fer gold. An' possibly a nice piece o' delicious fudge. Or bucket o' rum.

Hours arrrre negotiable. Meself, I like me some three-in-the marnin' shifts.

Unlikely to file workers comp claims. Them's for sissies and hornswogglers.

Pirates kick arse, every damn time.

So the next time ye're castin' aboot fer a new employee, and ye're tired of yer pansy crew, if ye're smart ye'll check the local docks. Also, wharf cats is good if ye've got a varmint problem.

Stupid metal freaks

Those damn robots in Payroll. I can't work with 'em! ARRRR!!! I wars trying to git down th' hall all quiet like, an' one o' those buggers comes clankin' aroun' th' corner fit to blow me down with his stupid iron wrath.

I figgered out me sword don't do no good against these monsters, so I hauls my pegleg up and ponks 'im one in the chest. He should'a capsized but instead he jist keeps a-walkin' an' starts pushing me down the hall! The nerve!!! Me, the pirate, hopping down the hall on me one good leg, trying to figger out how to git me out of this sitchyashun.

ARRRR!!! The matter was NOT settled to my pleasure.

The next time I sees one a them hornswogglers, I'm takin' me cannon to 'im.

Who Ever Heard of Tagging a Pirate?

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die

--Make every day Talk Like a Pirate Day.
--Find me other leg.
--Help Mr. Freeman dig thar tunnel back to the ol' complex and find me parrot. Plus I'll help meself to th' gold if 'e finds et.
--Continue to git sozzled on rum.
--Continue to dance on that nice corpse I got that time in Barbados.
--Learn all the jigs there is and their hornpipe accompaniment, which is so pleasant of an evening in the captain's quarters.
--Bury more treasure in the new ZU complex. Arrr, it does me 'eart good to know it's safe 'n sound in the ground.

Seven Things I Can Do
--Sever'l ver' nice jigs.
--Nail a doubloon through the mainmast.
--Keelhaul landlubbers.
--Stump around on me pegleg in the middle of th' night and scare me some chilluns.
--Get me sabre into me scabbard on the first try.
--Decapitate any ventriloquist dummy that dares git in me way.
--Drink more rum than' ye.

Seven Things I Cannot Do

--talk to Mr. Freeman when sobered up. Or face to face.
--Unnerstand what me parrot says.
--dress nicely.
--talk nicely.
--stand for tofu nuggets in the dining hall.
--remember whar' I buried me treasure on the old ZU lot.
--unnerstand what Mr. Freeman is on about when he's yelling in 'is office at three in th' bloody mornin'.

Seven Things That Attract Me To Another Person

--booze.
--gold.
--a pegleg or stylish hat.
--gold.
--booze.
--a fancy sword.
--nice boots.

Seven Things I Say Most Often

--"Arrrr!"
--"Keelhaul the hornswogglers!"
--"Shanghaied agin'."
--"Stay away from me gold!"
--"'Ar ar ar, you'll nivver catch me now!"
--"Keep that up an' ye'll be sleepin' with th' fishes."
--"Get away from me ye bloody fool! I've got a hook!!!"

Seven Celebrity Crushes

--Selma Hayek
--Geena Davis
--That saucy dame that runs the supply room.
--Death.
--Elecktra.
--Helena Bonham Carter
--Uma Thurman

Thar. An' I ain't taggin' no one except the Mysterious Stranger, that bastard.